


try and try and try again

by bayaningbituon



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: A little bit of Downworlder Politics/Bitterness, Angst, Courage, Episode Tag, Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-11-02 06:11:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10938627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bayaningbituon/pseuds/bayaningbituon
Summary: Magnus put his glass down on the bar and walked over to Ragnor's body. He took one of Ragnor's hands and held it to his chest as he gazed down at his friend. "I don't know what I was thinking, helping Jocelyn. Helping Shadowhunters." He looked up and met Alec's eyes with his own pained gaze. "You wanted to know what I would risk, falling for you? It's this," he said, looking back down and gesturing at his friend's body.Missing scene from 1x12 Malec.





	try and try and try again

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I wanted more Ragnor Fell grief as well as a bridge between Alec spurning Magnus at his loft and Magnus interrupting the wedding, so why not both?
> 
> Also brief Catarina Loss in here, and I decided to go with the TV version instead.

Everywhere Alec looked, someone was putting up delicate white flowers, or comparing strips of fabric for  _something_ , and it was all making his stomach churn. He told himself it was just nerves, that it was normal for people getting married to be nervous. But his hands have been clammy ever since he and Lydia had greeted the Clave representatives this morning, and all he could think about was Magnus' sad and scornful gaze, the bitter twist of the mouth, and the way that Magnus' words sent a warm wave of sadness—disappointment? shame?—through him.

 _Emotions cloud your judgment_ , he told himself sternly.  _This is the only way to save your family. Stop being selfish_.

So Alec walked resolutely forward, taking deep breaths to calm his nerves. He saw Lydia at the computers, chatting with Emily, a new transfer from the Chicago Institute. He bit his lip in consternation, wondering if he should go up there to talk to her— _he should get used to talking to her—_ when he saw a flash of red out of the corner of his eye. He turned his head slightly to see Clary walking away from the training room with a determined step and furrowed eyebrows. He glanced back at Lydia before turning to follow Clary. 

"Clary," he called out, jogging a bit to catch up to her.

Clary stopped in the middle of the hallway and turned to look at him with troubled eyes. "Alec, hey. How's the wedding preparation going?"

Alec waved that aside impatiently, ignoring the lurch in his gut at the thought of the wedding. "That can wait until later. Did you find Ragnor Fell?"

Clary's face fell, and even before she opened her mouth, he knew that the news would not be good.

"We did, but um...he was killed. By a Shax demon."

A pang of fear shot through him. "What? Where is Magnus? Is he okay?"

Clary bit her lip and said wryly, "Depends on your definition of 'okay.' He wasn't hurt by the demon," she clarified at his distressed look, "but it turns out that he and Ragnor were best friends." She shook her head, eyes filled with tears. "It was awful, and we—we were awful."

"What do you mean?" Alec asked, confused.

"Jace and I. After Ragnor was killed, we were just, arguing. Magnus was so upset, and I don't blame him. We were awful. Next time I see him, I need to apologize." She pressed her lips together in self-recrimination. "I keep getting caught up in saving my mom that I forget about anything else."

Alec frowned and replied, "But where is Magnus right now?"

Clary shook her head. "He was still at Ragnor's place. He made us a portal back here and told us to leave."

Alec's eyes widened in alarm. "You both just left him there? What if another demon showed up?" He turned towards the door to go to Magnus, forgetting that Ragnor's place was in London and he was in New York. Clary's hand on his arm stopped him.

"Alec, he'll be fine. He said he was going to portal all of Ragnor's things to his loft. He's probably back by now." Clary frowned and looked down, before looking back up at Alec with an expression of almost pity. "And Alec, I honestly don't think he'd want to see you right now."

Alec scowled and pulled his arm from her grasp, replying, "I'm going to see him anyways. I need to see that he's okay." Without another word, Alec walked down the hallway to the entrance, ignoring Clary's worried gaze against his back.

\------------------

Alec had been so frantic, thoughts swirling in his head about Magnus and the death of Ragnor, but now that he was faced with Magnus' loft door, he found himself faltering. The last time he had been here, he had lashed out at Magnus, accusing Magnus of playing with his feelings, of the whole thing being a game to him. Magnus' words, shaky with a sad determination, has haunted his thoughts since.  _I will not ask again_. And now Alec was here, in front of a door that, a short time ago, he had seen as refuge, but now seemed like an insurmountable obstacle.

He took a deep breath and reminded himself that he wasn't here for himself, wasn't here to seek refuge with a friendly warlock. He was here to make sure that Magnus was alright, to offer his condolences and his help.  _Put your feelings at the door_ , he told himself,  _and just be here for him_.

He reached out a hand to knock, but before his fist could touch the mahogany door, it swung open in front of him with a burst of energy. Alec stifled his urge to jump in surprise, and he walked forward cautiously into the loft. As he entered, the door slammed shut behind him. He walked into the dimly lit entryway, and when he reached the living room, he paused, hands clenched with worry.

The whole place looked like a disaster. It seemed like the living room had expanded—which was definitely possible with magic—and there were tables upon tables full of  _stuff_. There were piles of books, old and worn with time, as well as trinkets, jewelry, some instruments, even a globe or two. 

And in the middle of the living room was a simple bed, and in it laid a man with salt and pepper hair and horns, with a neck stained with rusted, dried blood.  _Ragnor Fell_. 

A weary sigh from the chair in front of the bed broke Alec out of his thoughts. "What are you doing here?"

Alec looked over and saw the top of Magnus' hair, mussed and untidy, from the top of the chair back. He held an almost empty glass of scotch in one hand, which was resting on the chair arm. Magnus raised the glass to drink the last of it, then stood up to walk over to the bar for a refill. Now that Alec could see his face, he felt his heart sink. Magnus looked  _awful_. His clothers were wrinkled and stained with blood, eyes bloodshot and makeup slightly smeared, and there was a heartbreakingly blank look on his face. 

When Alec didn't answer, Magnus looked up from the bar and stared at him impassively. "I told them that I'd find what they were looking for. You don't have to babysit me."

Alec blinked, startled, before saying, "N-no, I'm not here for that. Clary told me. About your friend. I just came to see if you needed anything."

Magnus gazed at him blankly, before looking down at his refilled glass of scotch. He took a swig before setting it back down with a bitter grimace. "I don't know why you're suddenly pretending to care."

Alec opened his mouth, and then closed it, speechless. A sinking feeling spread through him, as he recalled Clary's words.  _Alec, I honestly don't think he'd want to see you right now_. He stuttered weakly, "M-Magnus, that's not...that's not..."

Magnus scoffed and took another gulp of scotch, eyes never leaving Ragnor's body. "I'd forgotten that getting involved in Shadowhunter business always ends like this. A Downworlder dead and Shadowhunters couldn't care less."

Alec frowned and replied firmly, "That's not true."

"No?" Magnus asked in disbelief. "I didn't imagine Jace and Clary arguing about whether they should ransack Ragnor's home or not over his dead body?"

Alec sighed sadly. "Clary told me, and Magnus, she feels awful. It's just...all she can think of is her mom."

"Yes, Jocelyn's life would be valued over Ragnor's," Magnus sneered, emptying the glass of scotch.

"That's not what I'm saying," Alec replied, helpless.

Magnus put his glass down on the bar and walked over to Ragnor's body. He took one of Ragnor's hands and held it to his chest as he gazed down at his friend. "I don't know what I was thinking, helping Jocelyn. Helping Shadowhunters." He looked up and met Alec's eyes with his own pained gaze. "You wanted to know what I would risk, falling for you? It's this," he said, looking back down and gesturing at his friend's body. "As long as I've been alive, it's always been like this. Downworlders dying for Shadowhunters. Downworlders killed by Shadowhunters. Downworlders heartbroken—it's always been the same." Magnus inhaled sharply, and continued in a wavering voice, "I don't know why I thought it would be different with Jocelyn or Clary, or you."

Alec stepped forward, as if to comfort Magnus physically, before he stopped. He had shut that door behind him, and there was a barrier between them now that he had put up himself. "Magnus..." Alec trailed off, clenching his fists at his side at the fact that he couldn't do anything to comfort Magnus.

Magnus leaned down to give a small, tender kiss on his friend's hand, still clutched in his own. After a beat, he looked back up at Alec with a glassy, blank gaze. "Sometimes," he told Alec in a cracked voice, "I regret ever meeting you."

Alec swallowed and looked away, feeling as if he had been sucker punched. "I'm sorry," he said weakly. He tried to come up with more, tried to think of something more to say, but he came up with nothing. 

Magnus looked away and blinked rapidly, swallowing back tears. He waved a hand carelessly and conjured up a portal behind Alec. "That portal will take you back to the Institute," he said in a hoarse voice. "Please leave."

Alec tamped down the hurt— _honestly, Alec, this isn't even about you—_ and protested gently, "Magnus, I don't think you should be alone right now."

Magnus replied acerbically, "Well, no offense, but I don't want to be alone with you." He gave Alec a small, bitter smile. "I give up, Alexander. Isn't that what you wanted?"

Before Alec could reply—though he had no idea what he would have said in the face of such broken honesty—the door to the loft swung open with a bang. Alec turned sharply, hand hovering over his Seraph blade, only to see a statuesque Black woman—warlock, judging by her nose and ears—in nurse scrubs walking into the loft. Ignoring Alec completely, she strode forward until she was next to Magnus, eyes not leaving the prone figure of Ragnor Fell. She leaned forward, one hand stroking his hair, and kissed him on the forehead between his horns, murmuring something softly that Alec couldn't hear. Magnus' hand had clenched tighter on Ragnor's at the entrance of the woman, and now he was trembling slightly, all attention focused on her.

When the woman finally straightened back up, she took one hand and held it to Magnus' cheek gently. At the soft touch, the tears in Magnus' eyes spilled over. The woman sighed sadly and crooned, "Oh Magnus, come here."

"He's gone, Cat," Magnus gasped with hitched breath. "He's gone."

The woman—Cat—took the shaking Magnus into her arms, tears falling down her face, and at the sight of such honest grief, Alec had to swallow back a lump in his throat. Feeling like he was intruding on a private moment, he turned and walked into the portal without another word.

\------------------

There had been a buzzing in Alec's head for the entire day. Dressed in a white suit and being congratulated by Clave members and family alike, Alec has never felt more like a fraud. For his whole life, he knew that this was where he would end up—in a loveless political marriage for the good of the family name. He had never minded, preferring to shove his wants and desires deep down where the light would never touch it, content with knowing that doing so would protect his family. Meeting Magnus was like—waking up for the first time. And to lock it all away again made him feel numb, as if he was floating in space. When the Silent Brother proclaimed that the ceremony was about to begin, he felt the numbness spread.

 _You're making your family proud. Lydia is a good person and a good partner. It will be fine_.

He went through the motions with a grim face, trying to listen to the voice of reason, trying to get back on the path of being a good Shadowhunter. Trying to forget the sad defeat in Magnus' eyes.

He had to fight to present his hand to Lydia without shaking, and just as her stele was about to touch his skin, he heard a door bang. Everyone looked towards the entrance of the room, just as Magnus entered in a quick stride. Alec felt his breath catch in his chest at the sight—Magnus, standing tall, with magenta streaks in his hair and kohl-lined eyes that were looking into his own with some sadness, but also a defiance and strength.  _I'm here_ , his eyes seemed to say.  _Now the ball is in your court._

Alec felt as if time had come to a standstill. He was somewhat aware of Jace and Izzy talking, somewhat aware that his hand was still in Lydia's, somewhat aware of his mother stalking towards Magnus, but none of it truly mattered, because Magnus was  _here_. Despite all of the hurt and loss, all of the words that Magnus had said a couple of days ago—

_—I don't know why you're suddenly pretending to care—_

_—You wanted to know what I would risk, falling for you? It's this—_

_—I don't know why I thought it would be different with Jocelyn or Clary, or you—_

_—Sometimes I regret ever meeting you—_

_—I give up, Alexander. Isn't that what you wanted?—_

—despite all of that, Magnus still came here. He still found the courage and strength to come here and fight for them, for the possibility that existed between them, for Alec and his truth. Alec took in a stuttered breath, eyes still trained on Magnus, and felt that courage and strength flood through him. When he turned back to Lydia, he knew what he had to do, not just for her or for Magnus, but for himself.

After Lydia gave her blessing, she stepped away, and Alec turned to face Magnus. For a few moments, everything faded away, and it was as if it was just him and Magnus in the room. Alec locked gazes with this man, this beautiful, brave man who bared himself to Alec over and over again only to end up being hurt, and still having the capacity in his heart to try one more time.

It was the simplest decision Alec had ever made.

He walked down the aisle quickly, brushing off his mother with a quick "Enough." As he got closer to Magnus, he watched the small amount of sadness bleed from his eyes and turn into hope.

When Alec pulled Magnus by the lapels into a kiss, it was sweeter than he could ever imagine.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I finished a fic! Yay! (I start fics and never finish them because I start multi-chapter ones and then get distracted. But this was a oneshot so yay it's done!)
> 
> Speculate about warlock grieving/funeral rituals in the comments if you'd like. I didn't write it because I don't know if there's even a canon way that warlocks have funerals? I never read the books so...
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


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